This Week in Rupublicans and Gays

The last time a posted a political blog entry was more than three months ago. A guy named Stone Bryson posted a shitty comment, partly due to the fact that I called Herman Cain an "asshat." He implied that I lacked "intellectual fortitude" and also said, "You are a closed-minded, true believer whom [sic] cannot think outside your pre-determined [sic] notions." He also admonished me for not sourcing my material with links. Then he blocked me on Facebook.


Well, I went to his blog to see how things are really supposed to be done. I didn't realize how boring intellectual fortitude could be. But I learned my lessons. From now on, I will use shitloads of links and I will not call anyone an asshat. You're going to see a new, prudish Lorenzo Dunning..



And now, on with the actual topic of this blog entry.


You've probably heard by now that  Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and former senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) have signed "The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family," the brainchild of Vander Plaats, who heads the Family Leader, a conservative group based in Iowa.


By signing this vow, Bachmann and Sanatorum pledge to reject Sharia Islam. I don't know about you, but I stay awake at night fearing that militant Muslims will win a majority of seats in both houses of congress. The signatories of this vow also pledge to be faithful to their own spouses and to "respect the marital bonds of others." What a relief. The last thing America needs is one more politician who goes around trying to destroy other couples' marriages. In addition to declaring opposition to polygamy, Bachmann and Sanotorum have also pledged to support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as an institution between one man and one woman. But wait, there's more. They have also agreed to humanely protect women from themselves by taking away their rights to choose to have abortions.


When Santorum heard about this pledge, he contacted the Family Leader, eager to court the religious right of Iowa. The voters of Iowa and New Hampshire think they're so damn special! Well, screw you Iowa and New Hampshire. (Now, I'll have to look up a source to link to that will prove my claim that Iowa and New Hampshire voters think they're special.) Bachmann found out what Sanatorum was up to, so she called the Family Leader and asked to sign the pledge, too. And that sly Bachmann made sure she faxed her signed pledge to the Family Leader office before Sanatorum did. The next time I see Sanatorum, I'm going to make fun of him for losing to a girl.


While all this was going on, gay rights activist John Becker reported that he had gone undercover to prove a Christian counseling center run by Marcus Bachmann (Mr. Michele Bachmann) offers reparative therapy aimed at helping gay people become straight. It's interesting that the only people who think gays can change their sexual orientation are people who think gays should change their sexual orientation. Well, I have seen a photo of John Becker, and as cute as he is, it would be a damn shame if he became straight. I wonder if there are any therapeutic programs that could help heterosexuals become gay.


Considering all this talk about "protecting" the sanctity of marriage and restoring gays to their heterosexual wholeness, Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) sure picked the wrong time to expose his bare abs on the cover of Men's Health. This is the same homophobic congressman who burned a belt after bloggers said it made him "look gay." Does this dumbass have any idea how many gay men read Men's Health? (I didn't call him an asshat!) Does he realize that the pages that contain photos of his hairless, ripped torso will end up stuck together in the bathrooms of gay men everywhere? If he doesn't want to be mistaken for gay, he shouldn't make himself look like someone who just stepped off a float in a gay pride parade.


Imagine some poor gay guy who has just returned home after receiving reparative therapy at Marcus Bachmann's office only to go to his mailbox where he finds Schock's abs on the cover of Men's Health. What are these Republican politicians trying to do to us? This is downright evil. This is a conspiracy and it calls for more investigation! How's that for intellectual fortitude?

Herman Cain: Islamophobe, Asshat

Herman Cain, Asshat

You may not have known much about Herman Cain before he spoke at a conference in Iowa that gave GOP presidential hopefuls a chance to impress conservative voters. But you know by now that Cain favors job discrimination against American Muslims. When asked if he would appoint a Muslim to his cabinet, Cain said:

"I will not and here's why. There is this creeping attempt, this attempt, to gradually ease Sharia Law and the Muslim faith into our government."

Wow! I bet you didn't know that. Where did Cain get his information?

The former radio host and former CEO of Godfather's Pizza isn't backing down from his comments. More on that later. Those comments alone tell you that Cain is a third-degree asshat from the High Order of Royal Asshats. You see, asshats speak a different language than we do. The language they speak is called Asshat. And you are so lucky I speak Asshat. Just for you, my dear reader(s), I am about to translate Mr. Cain's words from Asshat to English. Here is what he said:

"Like all other asshats, I'm a dichotomous thinker. I can't differentiate the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 from law-abiding American Muslims. I don't trust them and I want you to fear them as much as I do. I have to make up a bunch of shit to justify my Islamophobia. And if I can convince you to fear Muslims, then I might earn your vote. Now I don't know who Sharia Law is, but the Muslims just love her. Unlike conservative Christians, Muslims want their religious laws to be the law of the land."

And as if that wasn't enough, Cain went on Fox News to defend his remarks and to give me more material to work with. He told Neil Cavuto:

"I would have to have people totally committed (in my administration) to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of this United States. And many of the Muslims, they are not totally dedicated to this country. They are not dedicated to our Constitution. Many of them are trying to force Sharia Law on the people of this country. And so, yes, I did say it, and that is because I don't have time to be watching someone on my administration if they are not totally committed to the Declaration and the Constitution of the United States and the laws of this country."

Again, where is this asshat getting his information? Has he talked with American Muslims who have told him that they are not "totally committed" to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of "this" United States? (As opposed to "that" United States?) But shouldn't that be "these" United States instead of "this" United States? (Yes, and it should be "those" United States instead of "that" United States.)

Anywaze...let's translate what Cain told Cavuto...from Asshat to English:

"All American Muslims are secretly funding terrorists. If they were committed to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, they'd be Christians. But unlike conservative Christians, American Muslims want to force their beliefs on everyone. They'll make it illegal to practice Christianity in these United States. They'd close down all the liquor stores and casinos! It could happen as early as tomorrow! Be afraid! Be very afraid!"

And this guy wants to be your president. First of all, Godfather's Pizza sucks...and Cain didn't make it suck any less when he was their CEO. Secondly, I don't want to spend four years of my life translating Asshat. By the time I've written about all the other Republican hopefuls, I will have heard all the Asshat I want to hear.