The last time a posted a political blog entry was more than three months ago. A guy named Stone Bryson posted a shitty comment, partly due to the fact that I called Herman Cain an "asshat." He implied that I lacked "intellectual fortitude" and also said, "You are a closed-minded, true believer whom [sic] cannot think outside your pre-determined [sic] notions." He also admonished me for not sourcing my material with links. Then he blocked me on Facebook.
Well, I went to his blog to see how things are really supposed to be done. I didn't realize how boring intellectual fortitude could be. But I learned my lessons. From now on, I will use shitloads of links and I will not call anyone an asshat. You're going to see a new, prudish Lorenzo Dunning..
And now, on with the actual topic of this blog entry.
You've probably heard by now that Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and former senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) have signed "The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family," the brainchild of Vander Plaats, who heads the Family Leader, a conservative group based in Iowa.
By signing this vow, Bachmann and Sanatorum pledge to reject Sharia Islam. I don't know about you, but I stay awake at night fearing that militant Muslims will win a majority of seats in both houses of congress. The signatories of this vow also pledge to be faithful to their own spouses and to "respect the marital bonds of others." What a relief. The last thing America needs is one more politician who goes around trying to destroy other couples' marriages. In addition to declaring opposition to polygamy, Bachmann and Sanotorum have also pledged to support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as an institution between one man and one woman. But wait, there's more. They have also agreed to humanely protect women from themselves by taking away their rights to choose to have abortions.
When Santorum heard about this pledge, he contacted the Family Leader, eager to court the religious right of Iowa. The voters of Iowa and New Hampshire think they're so damn special! Well, screw you Iowa and New Hampshire. (Now, I'll have to look up a source to link to that will prove my claim that Iowa and New Hampshire voters think they're special.) Bachmann found out what Sanatorum was up to, so she called the Family Leader and asked to sign the pledge, too. And that sly Bachmann made sure she faxed her signed pledge to the Family Leader office before Sanatorum did. The next time I see Sanatorum, I'm going to make fun of him for losing to a girl.
While all this was going on, gay rights activist John Becker reported that he had gone undercover to prove a Christian counseling center run by Marcus Bachmann (Mr. Michele Bachmann) offers reparative therapy aimed at helping gay people become straight. It's interesting that the only people who think gays can change their sexual orientation are people who think gays should change their sexual orientation. Well, I have seen a photo of John Becker, and as cute as he is, it would be a damn shame if he became straight. I wonder if there are any therapeutic programs that could help heterosexuals become gay.
Considering all this talk about "protecting" the sanctity of marriage and restoring gays to their heterosexual wholeness, Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) sure picked the wrong time to expose his bare abs on the cover of Men's Health. This is the same homophobic congressman who burned a belt after bloggers said it made him "look gay." Does this dumbass have any idea how many gay men read Men's Health? (I didn't call him an asshat!) Does he realize that the pages that contain photos of his hairless, ripped torso will end up stuck together in the bathrooms of gay men everywhere? If he doesn't want to be mistaken for gay, he shouldn't make himself look like someone who just stepped off a float in a gay pride parade.
Imagine some poor gay guy who has just returned home after receiving reparative therapy at Marcus Bachmann's office only to go to his mailbox where he finds Schock's abs on the cover of Men's Health. What are these Republican politicians trying to do to us? This is downright evil. This is a conspiracy and it calls for more investigation! How's that for intellectual fortitude?
